Funny Stuff
by Warrior4Life
Summary: Random scenes based off of pictures and moments of life. Characters are used randomly, some language, may cause giggles or uncontrolled fits of laughter. You have been warned. (*See Author's Note*) May continue, one-shot for now.


**Funny Stuff**

**Warnings: Timeline may or may not be in order, randomness, some minor language, and characters are used randomly for the story! Also, characters may be OCC! I will also add my own characters into the story for the reason being that they will appear in the prologue of the longest story I am planning to write.**

**I do not own Dynasty Warriors, and some of these acts were inspired by my family and pictures. (*See Author's Note at the end!*)**

* * *

Guo Jia Scene 1

I had just finished my latte in the little cafe and was heading out. I had a business meeting to get to and was running a little late. When I got outside I saw that there was a ticket on my ride for parking in a desinated area. I looked over to where my ride was parked originally and saw a carriage. Some jackass moved my horse!

* * *

Cao Cao Scene 1

Today, I asked my 5 year old son to clean up his mess of toys. He responded by kicking my foot. My bandaged foot which was still recovering from hunting last week. I'm probably going to need another physician and more bandages to fix the damage.

* * *

Sun Jian Scene 1

Today, in a desperate bid to avoid going to the doctor, my young son Sun Quan ran into and hid inside a cactus garden. I had to drag him out.

* * *

Cao Rui Scene 1

I was sitting away from my parents Cao Pi and Zhenji at the moment. They were both in a fighting stance and my mom was trying to go to my crying baby sister Cao Dongxiang. When my mom was near the stairs I yelled, "run, mom." She looked at me and laughed and told me she can't run fast. That also made my dad chuckle.

* * *

Xu Zhu: "I don't wanna be a nugget, I don't wanna!"

* * *

Cao Pi Scene 1

Today, I was walking down the stairs with my lyre in hand, singing "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" to my wife. I said, "I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall." Before I could say "asleep", I fell down the stairs. My wife and children nearly had to go to the hospital for laughing so hard. My bum hurts.

* * *

Sun Ce Scene 1

Today, I was going around the castle and some merchant who was selling some flavored drinks tripped and fell down some stairs, landing on the floor next to me and the drinks went all over. I went to make sure he was okay and helped pick up the drinks. After assuring me he was okay, he gave me a free drink. It exploded.

* * *

5 year old Liu Shan: "Dad, are we tougher than mom?"

Liu Bei: "No son, I may run a tight ship around here but she'll f*ck you up."

* * *

Xiahou Dun Scene 1

Today, I was bringing the garbage cans inside and noticed one felt a little heavy. I opened it, only to find a raccoon. A very angry raccoon.

* * *

Cao Rui Scene 2

Today our neighbors, the Yuan's, got a rooster. It will become dinner very soon after they realize why we don't have roosters in Wei!

* * *

Gan Ning Scene 1

Today, while at my boxing gym, an old man came inside and did the oddest drunk dance in order to serenade me. I'm a fighter and fine with taking punches to the face, but froze in terror at the sight of this.

* * *

Guan Suo Scene 1

I saw a pair of eyes looking at me from my closet. Realizing it must be my cat, I called to her. She immediately came out from under my bed. I can't find anything in my closet.

* * *

Jia Chong Scene 1

Today, Dong Zhuo's obese bully of a grandson had a seizure. Being the only person who knew what the hell they were doing, I was forced to rush in to tend to him. Except it wasn't a seizure as such. My daughter had found my taser and used it on him.

* * *

Guo Jia Scene 2

Today, Jiang Wei and I were carrying a huge wall painting down the stairs. I fell down the stairs. But don't worry, my body cushioned the painting's fall. Jiang Wei on the otherhand was already at the bottom of the stairs when this happened and is currently trying to get out from underneath me and the painting. He also complained that I was too heavy.

* * *

Liu Shan Scene 1

I don't know what I did wrong. All I did was cook for my wives for once. Su looked very stressed as she tried to swallow and Fai just smiled at me while pushing the plate away. Then, Zhao Yun came in. I left the room but stayed by to hear their conversation. Zhao Yun turned toward them and said, "did you two just realize that bird seed taste a whole hell lot better than Liu Shan's cooking?" They agreed with no hesitation.

* * *

Zhang Fei Scene 1

I was looking over the newspaper when I noticed that there was going to be a race between the kingdoms: veterans only! I said out loud to my wife and kids, "I guess it's time for the real fastest of the land to show himself." My wife laughed and my kids joined her. Then they told me that, "Zhao Yun and Xu Shu are already representing Shu in the race." When I told them that I wanted to they broke off into peals of laughter. Then my wife turned to me and said, "good luck, fatty."

* * *

Zhang Fei Scene 2

There was an eating contest in Shu right after our Harvest Day celebration, and of course my wife wants me to train for it. It maybe in a week, but she's prepared. She's been making me and my son a buffet dinner for the nights before the contest. The first course came and Zhang Bao said, "I can't take it anymore. Dad, what interior do you want your coffin to have?" Then my wife turned to him and laughed, saying, "don't worry sweetie." She got serious, "give him 15 minutes, and get ready for the second course!" He barely helped me eat a single plate.

* * *

Jiang Wei Scene 1

I was about to go to bed before I remembered the 5000 word essay for my English class. I tried to be calm since I had midnight to finish, and it was only 8pm. I typed for three hours straight, and finished the assignment. I read over the instructions again, and realized it only had to be 500 words.

* * *

Guo Jia Scene 3

I came out of the butcher's house with Cao Cao's requested leg of lambs. When I came up to my horse I realized a carriage was where my horse was. My horse had a message on it that read, "Sorry, I dropped your horse. I was trying to move it forward so I could park the carriage because there weren't any other spots."

I looked all around to realize it was an open market, and my horse had a injury to its leg. Dammit all, dosen't anyone know nowadays how hard it was to fix a horse? Or get to one place to another carrying two 20 pound lamb legs? And in my case, a four mile walk? I even loved that horse!

* * *

Liu Bei Scene 1

A drunk driver crashed in through my living room wall. Not only that, but he managed to completely miss the first two houses on the block, which should have been a barrier before mine. I then realized it was my brother Zhang Fei, who was indeed drunk. All the drinking he has been doing improved his driving, and his parking.

* * *

Guan Suo Scene 2

I was ironing some shirts, until my cat decided to hop up and investigate. To prevent him from burning himself, I instinctively moved the iron away and placed it flat on my other hand.

* * *

Zhang Fei's Wife Scene 1 (un-named at the moment)

Today, I was told that my husband tried robbing a teenage couple, but wound up getting his ass kicked by both of them. I don't know what's worse, that my 30-40 year old husband is a criminal, or that he got it handed to him by 15 year olds!

* * *

Guan Suo Scene 3

I was sitting at my desk, studying with the window open until my cat came up beside me. I started idly stroking her, only to turn and realize I was petting a wild raccoon.

* * *

Zhang Bao Scene 1

My old man, Zhang Fei, was living alone, whereas his only son, me, was in Prison, didn't have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes. So he wrote to me about his predicament.

I sent the reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig the garden up, that's where I buried the swords!" At 3 AM the next morning, a dozen soldiers turned up and dug the garden for 3 hours, but didn't find any swords

Confused, he wrote back to me telling me what had happened, asking me what he should do now?

I sent the reply: "NOW plant the potatoes!"

* * *

Some Random Video Camera Scene 1

Bao Sanniang's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!"

When the repairman arrived at Bao Sanniang's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

* * *

Zhao Yun Scene 1

And some people wonder why I'm an insomniac. My two cats decided to have a brawl on top of me. I was just trying to GET to sleep. Now I'm covered in scratches.

* * *

Wen Yang Scene 1

I bought crickets as a treat for my roommate Jia Chong's lizard. One escaped and somehow got into the heating system. The chirping is amplified and comes from everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Goodbye, restful sleep. And hello to a very agitated roommate.

* * *

Xiahou Dun Scene 2

My cat decided to hide in the garbage can so he could get a free trip outside, but was too fat to climb all the way inside of it. He got stuck half-way in and it took me about 10 minutes to get him out.

* * *

Cao Cao Scene 2

I woke up at 3:00am to the sound of a bird screeching. Turns out, my roommate Yuan Shao bought a parrot without consulting me first. Even better, my roommate expects me to pay for half of the bird's expenses.

Where's the cheapest pet store? Currently I'm dead broke from my trip from Chibi!

* * *

Ling Tong Scene 1

I tried my best to kill a spider today by throwing Gan Ning's shoe at it. All it did was slice the spider's egg sac open, releasing all its babies. This is why I ask other people to kill spiders for me. This happens to me EVERY SINGLE TIME!

* * *

Jia Xu Scene 1

Today, my cat decided that instead of using the brand new scratching post I bought him, he was going to use my pant leg while I was asleep.

* * *

Guan Yinping Scene 1

While I was driving, I saw a dog run across the road. I felt sorry for it, because it was cold and rainy. I pulled my car over to pick it up. Once in, it started to freak out so I turned on the light. It was then thay I realized I'd just put a wild coyote on my passenger seat.

* * *

Jiang Wei Scene 2

Out of complete boredom, I built my roommate Guan Xing's cat a little fort. Later, I decided to crawl inside to pet her, but as soon as I stuck my head in, she clawed me. I guess I'm not allowed in, then.

What's worse would be that when Guan Xing returned later he noticed the scratch on my face and yelled, "what did you do to my cat?" As if it was my fault.

* * *

Sima Zhao Scene 1

I was on a road trip to Australia with my dad, and we were both complaining that we had yet to see any kangoroos. Suddenly, we saw one up real close. The rental car saw it even closer.

* * *

Jia Xu Scene 2

My roommate Guo Jia showed me a video of another roommate of ours: Li Dian, putting a cockroach near me, and said insect was crawling all over my face while I was sleeping in the lounge.

* * *

Xiahou Dun Scene 3

I am trapped inside my apartment, due to the fact that five raccoons have decided to sit outside my only door and prevent me from getting out. Everytime I look at one, they hiss at me.

* * *

Zhang He Scene 1

I learned that my new parakeet hates her reflection, and will screech loudly day and night unless I take the mirror out. My other parakeet loves the mirror and constantly cries when I remove it. I can't win.

* * *

Guan Ping Scene 1

I was five years old when I remember, vividly, Uncle Zhang Fei falling from a chair because the chair gave in. Now, whenever I get on top of ANYTHING, I say: "Don't break on me, don't break on me, break on someone else but not on me!" I have to say it out loud otherwise I don't think it takes affect. I learned that when I tripped and landed on a table that gave in and it crashed down to the ground with me and everything that was on it.

* * *

Cao Pi Scene 2

My dad thought it would be funny to wake me up by sprinkling catnip over me then dropping my cat on top of me.

If my teachers don't believe me then look at my dad. He tried to get the cat off of me after I woke up and, for awhile, was the main target.

* * *

Cao Rui Scene 2

Our new neighbors, the Xiu's, moved in. They have a Chihuahua that constantly barks all throughout the day. It makes a great addition to my other neighbors, the Yuan's, that have a rooster that goes off at sunrise every morning.

* * *

Zhang Chunhua Scene 1

My husband and children learned that if he asks me a question while I am dead asleep my answer will most likely be "yes". Incidentally, I now have a new cat.

* * *

Zhao Yun Scene 2

The kittens under my care hunted and killed their first prey. Zhang Fei's hamster that he was going to give to his wife as a way to satisfy her anger for a bit unti she goes back to him.

* * *

Ling Tong Scene 2

I woke up to something tickling me. Thinking it was my cat, I reached under the covers to give her a friendly scratch behind the ears. I imagine the giant spider that was actually there enjoyed my terrified screams.

* * *

Lu Xun Scene 1

In order to try and get over my slight fear of swans, I went down to the local park to feed them. One decided that I looked tastier than the bread I was throwing and chased me around the feeding area while everybody laughed.

* * *

Guan Ping Scene 2

My girlfriend and I started fighting today. Instead of arguing for herself, she decided to set her puppy on me. Only "Puppy" is the name of her fully grown police trained German Shepherd.

* * *

Guo Jia Scene 4

I was visiting Jiang Wei in Shu and had to spend the night at a farm. I woke up, took an apple from the orchards surrounding the farm to munch along the way, and headed out. As I was eating it, I heard a distant thumping sound and was suddenly slammed into the ground. When I looked up, a horse was eating my apple. I got mugged by a horse.

At least the farmers let me keep the horse after that incident. I didn't have to walk the next three miles there. But I found out very soon why the horse was named Apple Eater.

* * *

Jia Chong Scene 2

Today, my dog died. In the same kitchen corner that two of my other dogs have died. I have a "Corner Of Death" in my kitchen. No wonder why my kids fear the corner.

* * *

Ling Tong Scene 3

Today, I got mauled by some wild animals and had to get my butt cheek stitched up. The embarrassment doesn't end there though; the animals in question were kittens. The nurses on duty laughed and the entire ward found out.

* * *

Zhou Yu Scene 1

I was walking my wife's dog when it decided to poop while inside a revolving door. Before I could do anything, the door swung around and smeared everywhere. My wife's dog excels at timing.

* * *

Lu Xun Scene 2

My friend, Zhu Ran, thought it cool to put a firecracker in an abandoned birdhouse. I was with it until I realized which birdhouse he meant. Before I could tell him not to, it exploded and about 30 wasps came after me like the wrath of the Gods.

* * *

Ling Tong Scene 5

I faced my severe phobia of spiders in order to remove a rather large one from my home. After 20 minutes of desprete struggling, it was finally taken care of. Relieved, I sat down and glanced across the hallway just in time to see a second, equally large spider strutting across the wall.

* * *

Guan Xing Scene 1

I had a meeting at work to go to at 5:00am and told my roommate, Jiang Wei, to set my alarm back to 4:00am. Then I got a message at 3:00am, saying the meeting was canceled, and I was somewhat glad. I slept for what seems like five minutes before my alarm went off and scared the cat that slept next to my head with me. I went to work the next day with a tore up face.

* * *

Liu Bei Scene 2

I was visiting my childhood home today, and checked out my old treehouse. A family of skunks had made it their home, and I was proptly sprayed upon entering.

* * *

Wen Yang Scene 2

I returned home from a month long trip overseas to find that my bird sitter, Jia Chong, has trained my parrot to whisper, "You're going to die" in a sinister voice. I could never teach it anything.

* * *

Ma Dai Scene 1

Today, my idiot horse Butterscotch decided to grab a mouthful of stinging nettles while I was riding him. He panicked at the burning sensation in his mouth and buckled me off. Don't worry, my fall was cusioned, by the nettles.

* * *

Zhao Yun Scene 3

Today, my cats were making a ton of noise rolling and fighting over their toys, and I yelled for them to knock it off. When they looked up at me, their "toy" ran away. Not a toy, but a real mouse. It's been two hours, and I still can't find him.

* * *

Guo Jia Scene 5

I was on my way home from a great party in the early hours of the morning, and I was feeling great. On my horse at full speed and riding over a hill, I yawned in anticipation of cimbing into bed. A huge bastard insect thing then flew straight into my throat.

* * *

Sun Jian Scene 2

A family of geese nested outside my halls of residence. They have started attacking everyone who tries to get in or out of the building. I'm basically under house arrest by birds.

* * *

Guan Xing Scene 2

My cat learned how to open doors. Ever since then she's been running up to my room or Jiang Wei's room, opening our doors, and running away. My cat is playing ding dong ditch.

* * *

Sima Shi Scene 1

I woke up to my cat giving birth, on my bed. I adopted her from a friend, who told me she was spayed. Now I have a giant mess and a cat who won't let me move either her or her babies. Guess I'm sleeping on the couch for a while.

* * *

Short Story 1 (Characters: Cao, Yuan, and Xiu families) (Not actually funny, more informative)

There were three neighbors. The Cao family was the most popular among the three. The Yuan's were the richest, and the most arrogant. The Xiu family are the least well known. The Cao family was lead by Cao Cao, Yuan Shao led the Yuan's, and Xiu Yan was the leader for the Xiu family.

The youngest members were Cao Rui and Cao Dongxiang, Yuan Mai, and Xiu Tong.

The Cao family were very quiet and mysterious. They are people of action and seek to rule the land. They always keep an open mind about their opponents and take advice on matters by several strategists.

The Yuan family doesn't care about other opinions besides their own, and often make the most mistakes. In the end, they will be most famous for their biggest mistake.

The Xiu family were very quiet and mysterious. With shady ambitions overlapping each other and usually keeping to themselves, they were people of quick wit and intelligence. Too bad not all things under their care are like them.

The Cao family have a fondness for cats. They are quiet and independent. In fact, every household under the Cao family has either a cat or a statue of a cat. The youngest daughter, Cao Dongxiang, is the only one with a white cat whereas the rest of her family have black cats.

The Yuan's don't really care for pets, but wish to have a large array of animals, including pets. So, without thinking, they got a huge henhouse to host roosters. It was located near the fence of the Cao family. And they always screech at sunrise.

The Xiu family, on the otherhand, had a single chihuahua. And it always barked at Cao Pi and Cao Rui when they came outside. It also constantly barks all night long.

Needless to say. The Cao family have very noisy neighbors. But, at least it isn't all bad.

The Xiahou family have to deal with their neighbors of the Sima's and the Guan's.

* * *

Ma Dai Scene 2

I went to a cosmetic dentist and got a chip in my tooth filled in that I'd had since I was 7. I went out later and my friend jokingly hit my head against the table a few times to make fun of me showing off my teeth. He slipped, I fell. I now have 2 chipped teeth and a broken nose.

* * *

Lu Bu Scene 1

The only person to wish me a happy birthday was a survey website. I took their stupid survey out of appreciation.

* * *

Jiang Wei Scene 3

I replaced my roommate Guo Jia's shampoo with pink paint to get back at him for stuffing my pillow with feathers. Turns out there was a reason why everyone who did something bad to him kept looking behind them and all around. He told me, "If you want a battle, I'll give you a war!" Now I'm being paranoid!

* * *

Guo Jia Scene 6

I had to get back at my roommates. Jiang Wei was first. I switched his shampoo with blonde hair dye. Now he looks like he could be my younger sister. Next was Jia Xu. I put a cricket in the vent just at the side of his he's looking all over for a cricket that's "invisible." Lastly, Xu Shu. I put a speaker right by his bed and at night it'll play loud, annoying sounds. I forgot he was a heavy sleeper and I almost had a heart attack waking up at 2:00 AM!

* * *

Sima Shi Scene 2

I found out my driver's license was suspended last year for a DUI ticket that wasn't paid. Apparently, someone had used my identity info to avoid the ticket on their record. The cop's showed me the guy's picture taken when he was arrested. It was my brother, Sima Zhao.

* * *

Ma Dai Scene 3

"Hey Ma Dai, that sweater looks good on you."

"So, what's the catch?" I asked Ma Chao. Every year for Christmas he and Guan Ping played a joke on everyone in the kingdom. It was their "tradition".

"And it fits too!"

"There's gotta be a catch!" I was very paranoid! They save all their best jokes for Guan Yu, Xu Shu, Zhao Yun, Jiang Wei, Guan Xing, and lastly me!

"And it's made of 100% cotton!"

"There MUST be a catch!" I didn't bother looking at what the sweater said on the _back_! It said "Merry Christmas Horse Radish!" Because of that year, all I get for vegetables were horse radishes. The joke: I don't like them, and they know it!

* * *

Guo Jia and Jiang Wei Scene 1

Guo Jia was looking through his closet, looking for a sweater. It was getting too cold for his liking. 'Every sweater I own is missing. What happen to all of them?' Was his thought.

In the other room, Jiang Wei laid on the couch, surrounding by sweaters, blankets, and pillows. "Warm at last." Fact was he did this just to annoy and get back at his roommate. He could stand the cold fairly well. He just knew Guo Jia couldn't.

* * *

Ling Tong Scene 6

"GIVE ME THE MEASURING TAPE!" Lu Xun and Gan Ning yelled down the hallway.

I suddenly see Lu Xun running past me, once to get the measuring tape, the other time with it.

Lu Xun came back and said, "There's a huge spider!"

* * *

Jiang Wei Scene 4

I waited at the end of the hallway with a baseball bat. Guo Jia was going to get me back somehow and some day... I just didn't know when.

I heard footsteps come my way. I tensed up as I got ready to swing the bat. I hope he wakes up with no memory!

I swung the bat and hit something. It was stopped dead and when I peeked an eye open Guo Jia's hand was holding the bat in front of his face. He started to laugh. 'That's not a good sign!'

I _hate_ my roommate!

* * *

Jia Chong Scene 3

I love my daughter. I really do! She put honey in Zhuge Dan's shampoo. Every Spring he goes and picks flowers with his own daughter. They are both running away screaming "_BEES!_" The old honey-in-the-shampoo tricks gets them every time!

* * *

Dong Zhuo Scene 1

I went to a party last week, and one in three months. I found my piece of cake from the three month party and thought it was still soft so I threw it at Lu Bu fot his birthday last week. I was in the hospital for the whole week because he threw the cake back. It was hard as a freaking rock!

* * *

Lu Bu Scene 2

"Hey Chen Gong, guess what, it snowed last ni-," SPLAT!

"Tell me something I don't know!"

"THIS IS WAR!"

* * *

Ling Tong Scene 7

"I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!"

I looked at Gan Ning weirdly. Until I heard a slight thud after some silence.

He slapped his forehead and looked up. "Timing Gan Ning, timing!" He mumbled under his breath.

* * *

Guo Jia Scene 7

You know what? I think my roommate and I go too far to get each other back sometimes. Today my car wouldn't start. It's better than yesterfay that's for damn sure! I couldn't STOP it yesterday. That's probably what I get when I change his shampoo to blonde hair dye!

* * *

**Author's Note:**

**I wrote this since I didn't update for awhile: for the reason being that I can't! You see, everything was on the hard drive of the old computer, and I'm still waiting for my mom to transfer the data from the old one to the new one. In the mean time I'll write a humor story. I don't know if I should continue this or not but for now it's a one-shot.**

**I don't know if you found any of this funny, I'm not so great with humor since I got a dark sense of humor, but tell me if you liked it!**

**Warrior4Life**


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